Dissertation: (Yawn) hmmm.YSA: Dissertation, I have to tell you something.
Dissertation: Hmmmm?
YSA: Dissertation, you have to be finished now.
Dissertation: Hmmmm?
YSA: Dissertation, you have to be finished tomorrow. (Fig. 1: Dissertation eating in bathtub)
Dissertation: You are always joking about that. It is funny when you say that sometimes. Why you are bothering me about it now, I don't know. It is a weekend right now.
YSA: OK, yes, I am kidding about tomorrow, you don't have to be finished tomorrow, but you have to be finished really, really soon. I don't even want to tell you how soon, because it'll freak you out. Do you know what I am saying here? We are having an emergency situation here, dissertation. We need to really pull it together!
Dissertation: Well, but that is not possible. I only have my one part, I need my whole other two chapters. And introduction. So I cannot be done that soon.
YSA: Yes, well, there are going to be some changes around here. From now on, we are not going to call those other chapters "other chapters." We are going to call them "half-finished first chapter" and "soon-to-be written conclusion."
Dissertation: It is the weekend!
YSA: Help me! I know that you can do it, you are such a brave (if short) dissertation. Now you have to really step up and be finished! Quick, figure out why the Weimar Republic fell! Today, if possible!
Dissertation: You are panicking.
YSA: Aaaahhh!
Dissertation: You panic all the time.
YSA: Arrrraaahrrrah!
Dissertation: It makes it hard to enjoy the weekend, when you are like this. Look at all these other grad students in the library, none of them are pulling on their hair and turning red. And it is spring break. We are supposed to go to Cancun or something, like those girls were saying in the coffee shop the other day. We never do fun things.
YSA: Are you existing? How much are you existing? Can you make your chapters exist faster? They don't have to be good, we can revise later. They just have to be existing. Can you do that?
Dissertation: I get upset when you are like this. I don't like to move around fast, you know. It gives me indigestion.
YSA: Maybe your chapters can be shorter? Like, 20 pages? How long do chapters have to be?
Dissertation: I just ate a humongous pancake with jam. You know that is my favorite, but now you are making my Sunday all stressful.
YSA: No more pancakes!
Dissertation: You are not the boss of me.
7 comments:
Very meta! Answer your phone!
I have a similar chat every morning with my legs. Especially once my flatmate leaves in the morning, my legs usually try to convince me that I can have naked time in the flat all day, turn on the heat, and watch the telly all day so long as I don't make them put pants on and go out to an archive. I find it's best if you trick the legs into thinking you just need to get out of bed to pee. Try fooling the diss. It might work.
I have also read other dissertations with 30 pages chapters. They did however have 11 chapters.
Sorry! I was to panicked yesterday to answer the phone. But everything is fine!
"you are not the boss of me" - oh, how i wish those words did not resonate as much as they do.
you can do it, brave, short, and autonomous dissertation. we believe in you!
I like to think that the crappier your diss is, the more successful your post-doc will be!
oh man, you are stressing me out.......can we become the Bosses? I hope so
DMWC Morale Committee Chair
Just figure out how many pages it has to be!
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